Christmas Eve / 11 months for Colette

It's 3 in the morning and I've been awake since 1am. Sleep seems to be harder and harder to come by the closer I get to Colette's 1 year anniversary.  Today she would have been 11 months old.  My heart is full and broken at the same time.  How is that even possible?  For my baby I still miss her so much that at time my army physically ache for her.  But I am so grateful for my Savior and his birth that we are celebrating this month.  For the gift of Eternal Life that he has give that makes it possible for us to have faith and hope that we can be with loved ones passed on again one day.  I am so grateful for those around me who have shared their babies with me and allowed me to hold them and helped me to heal a little each time I've held their babies and dreamed of that day when I get to once again hold my baby Colette in my arms again. 




There are times when I feel Colette so close to me that I look up and am shocked that I can not physically see her with us.  These times are few and far between but I am every so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who allows these times to happen so that I am reminded that the veil is thin and that she is closer to me then I realize.   I don't talk about these times often for they are very sacred to me but I hold them close in my heart and record them in my Journal so that I have them always to remember.  The further I get from her birth the less it happens and I know it's because she is busy and has a great work to do.   I am hoping that she will have a chance to be will us over the next couple of days,  to look down and see that she is always in our thoughts and minds especially when we are together as a family celebrating the Birth of our Savior.  



I am so grateful for my Aaron and my Bridgett who help to ease the ache in my arms and the pain in my heart.  I don't know what I would do without both of you!  And I pray that I will never have to find that out.  I love you both so much!  Aaron you are getting to be such a big boy,  when did you grow up?  You are wise beyond your years and I love that the things that you say to me teach me so much.  Isn't it supposed to be the other way around?   And my Sweet Bridgett,  you are also getting so big.  you have grown so much in the last year.  I look back at how much you have changed since your sister was born and I just can't believe how big you are.  While sometimes you still get frustrated that you can't talk as well as other kids your age you have gotten so much better at using your words and I love hearing you talk.  Your request to "snuggle Mommy" through out the day remind me to take time each day to put my work and cleaning aside and spend time enjoying you and I love that as well!

Not much on the list today,  which is probably a good thing,  I think i would probably fall apart if i had a ton of things I had to do today.   Frosting cookies and watching movies and playing games as a family.  Hopefully I can survive the day emotionally   I will take photos of the children decorating cookies and post them later.  Happy Christmas eve everyone!